Well I’ve stuggled. I’ve stayed in bed for days and cried a lot, but slowly I am trying to heal. I’m seeing my counselor, spending time with the Lord and spending time with good friends. It’s a slow process. In the midst there are now small claims court filings. The problem with these is that each of them have sued me personally first. So we have to go to court, prove we are a corporation, only to go back a 2nd time to have the case heard. It’s exhausting. I just want this behind me.
I’m still struggling with anger and nightmares but mostly depression. I started out to save the school – to do a good thing and these people have turned it into something awful? How does that happen? How do people forget what you’ve done for them so quickly. I have so many questions I’m struggling with. I know the truth – people forgot what Jesus had done for them and he was right in front of them. I know that cognitively but my heart just doesn’t understand. It will catch up someday.
I’m working on getting stronger. I’m trying to figure out what it means to just be – not to save anything or do anything but to just be. That’s a struggle sometimes. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what God wants for me now. I guess the answer to that right now is that he wants me to heal. I want that too.
The good news is I see changes in Logan during this time. She needed the extra attention. She needed my stress to be gone so I could focus on her. She needed her mom back. My husband has stepped up and been my protector during this time and true and faithful friends have continued to be there for me. That has been the blessing in the desert.
The desert is long. I keep looking for the exit. It’s not anywhere in site. But for now, I’m o.k. For now I can breathe. For now I can trust God to take care of me and my broken heart.