That day in the mirror.

I talk to God all the time.  When I was little sometimes my Mom would forget to pick me up from school.  I would sit in the school yard all alone and talk to the Lord.  I would ask him little girl things like “am I pretty Lord?  Do you like me? Do I make you laugh?”

As I grew older our conversations became, “please help me pass this test!  Please help me get a job!  Please help me make this decision, etc.”  When kids came along it was, “please make this fever go down. Please don’t let it be broken.  Please make her stop crying, etc.”

Then the kids got bigger and my conversations with God got bigger.  “God, make them successful.  Give them a career path. Help them choose a college. Prepare a Godly spouse for them. ”  All the while whether my conversations were long or short the Lord always listened and assured me.

There is one conversation with the Lord that I will never forget.  I was in a public restroom crying my eyes out.  My father had been arrested some months earlier.  I had removed myself from relationship with my parents to deal with everything.  My husband was taking the children to see their grandparents.  I was waiting in the public restroom for them to return.  I remember crying out to the Lord, “why Lord? Why?  Why did I have to have this dysfunctional family? Why do I have to deal with all this?”  I will never forget that moment in that restroom (luckily no one else was in there – they would have thought I was nuts!).  The Lord very clearly said to me, “Jeannie, you have had the life that you have so that your children will have a better life.”  That was all I needed to hear.  I wiped my tears and never again asked God why (at least not on that subject!).

That day in the mirror I realized there was purpose in my journey, despite how painful it was.  These past two weeks I have seen the Lord’s redemption in my life.  Sitting at my son and daughter’s weddings I saw the beauty.  I saw the joy.  I saw the wholeness of their lives.  I saw the Lord’s redemptive hand at work as he brought them each a perfect spouse and started them off on their own branch of the family tree.  Their branches are free from dysfunction and pain and ugliness.  They are new, and strong and perfect.  That’s completely worth it to me.  The Lord was gracious enough to show it to me.  Now I can go back to asking him if he thinks I’m funny.


About flyingheartranch

I'm a wife, mother, daughter, domestic goddess and a daughter of the King. I have 4 children and my life is beyond full. I have recently gone through a loss. This blog is about my process of working through it.
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